People...ask the question you want answered, PLEASE!

With a new office usually comes new co-workers, and my latest move from what was the Iraq Assistance Group (IAG) into Fturue Operations (FUOPS) is no different. Instead of being focused solely on passing information to and from the coalition Transition Teams, I have the added responsibility of being a "subject matter expert" for all things borders in Iraq. When the folks at FUOPS are deep in the throes of the planning process and they need to know if/how the border security forces will be affected, they come to me for my thoughts on the subject. Don't worry, I have 3 retired Customs/Immigration Federal Agents that provide the real expertise when it comes to law enforcement, but I still have the low-down on Iraq's bordr forces. Anywa, I usually get at least twice a week the following: "Tell me everything you know about borders." (or a variation thereof). Really? Everything? Okay...they're at the edge of things, usually annotated by a line of some sort. Map makers are quite fond of them because it makes it easier to know where to stop coloring pink and to start coloring yellow or blue. It's the name of a bookstore. It's also a type of collie that has an innate need to herd things (sheep, people, cars)...Shall I go on? I think the next time I get that vague question my response will be wild-eyed, furtive glances and a panicked "They've got us surrounded!" If they laugh, I'll help; if not, they're oxygen thieves and I'll turn back to my sudoku.

Stephen Colbert stole my Sharpie!

So there I was...where was I? In Al Faw Palace witnessing the amazing transformation of the rotunda into a TV studio for "The Colbert Report!" Not only is it cool that one of my favorite shows came all the way to Baghdad to film a week of shows, but I got to be in the audience for one of them! I even got to be on TV (for my 15 milliseconds of fame as the camera panned over the crowd). This was the first time a TV show has actually filmed and broadcast from a combat zone. Stephen and his crew were all very nice and did what they could to accomodate autographs and photos, even in the midst of all the work of producing a TV show. I did not get a photo with Stephen but I did get an autograph. But there's a dark side to the story.
At the end of the last show, 2 folks from my office and I descended from the 3rd floor to try to get a picture on the stage before the crew started tearing everything back down. We were denied, because Stephen was taking pictures with his crew and with the soliders who worked all week playing roadie for the show. Side note, so they get deployed to do THAT? Anyway, whilst denied the chance for a photo, one of the guys I was with suggested we try to get Stephen to sign a poster-sized IAG (see previous post) logo we have. We ran back upstairs, grabbed the 4' x 4' poster and went back to try to catch Stephen before he left. We once again were rebuffed by overly self-important MPs. However, one of our little band was friends with the Public Affairs Lt who was ostensibly running things, and he called her over, and asked if she would take the poster back to get Stephen to sign it. She said she would try. However, there was nothing with which to sign the poster! I quickly came to the rescue and offered my trusty black Sharpie that, as a trained higher-headquarters-staff killer, I carry with me at all times. The day was saved! A few minutes later, the Lt returned with our poster, complete with a John Hancock-sized autograph from Stephen. But wait! Where was the Sharpie? I know not. It was not returned and so I can only surmise that STEPHEN COLBERT STOLE MY SHARPIE!! If you see him, tell him I want it back. It was a nice one with the grippy stuff on the front too.
What was the Al Faw Rotunda is now the "Colbert Report" studio.
I did manage to sit in Stephen's chair on stage, but this was before they started taping the shows, and the stage hands had taken down all the "sandbags" that were made up to look like an American flag. Too bad, but I did get on stage! I really liked the backdrop that they used for the show all week. They used the palace, an M1 tank, an aircraft carrier, a squadron of F-16s, and a squadron of port-o-johns!

Pre-show. Shortly after I got this picture we were all told to go stay in our seats. Somebody must have started some trend that the security folks didn't like. Great, they ruined it for everyone!

At the end of the rehearsal show. Stephen went and sat in the crowd. Can you find him? I'll give you a hint, he's wearing green.

Halfway is far enough!

50% down, 50% to go. I cut out a couple hours early tonight (only did 12 hours at work today instead of my usual 14) so I could have time to write this entry and still get 6 hours of sleep tonight. The unit I was assigned to initially over here is no more. The Iraq Assistance Group (or IAG) is dissolved as of today. We had a ceremony to case the unit colors and all the soldiers changed their uniform patches from the "Big Red 1" of the 1st Infantry Division to the Multi-National Corps-Iraq (MNC-I) patch. I got a new patch too, since I wear the Army uniform outside the wire, but I was wearing my Air Force uniform today, and thus, no patches to change. So a new unit, what does that mean? Nothing really. I still have the same amount of work, or more, to do, it just means I have a new set of bosses to run everything through. That, and I'm not even sure to what organization I am assigned at the moment. Regardless, the actual "work" of advising the IRaqi Security Forces is still being done by the Airmen, Soldiers, Marines, and Sailors in the transition teams out there on the border. IAG may be gone, but the job still needs to be done.
But enough about my lack of a clear assignment, that hasn't changed in 3 months, so why should it be any different now? In looking both back and forward at the same length of time, it feels like I'm halfway down a very long tunnel. I can't see a light on either end yet, but I know I want to get out somehow. That's a pretty depressing thought, so I tried to come up with the "10 best things about being over here" to try to keep my spirits up. Here goes:
10: The food is free (but you get what you pay for)
9: Bonus pay (for getting shot at and not being with your family, not worth it)
8: You never have to decide what to wear each day
7: You never wonder what the weather will be like (hot and dusty, or dusty and hot?)
6: Someone does your laundry for you (but it takes 3 days, and you can only wash 28 items at a time, yes, 28, not kidding)
5: Free access to a 24-hour gym (and the only time it's not crowded is 3 AM)
4: Immersion language training in Arabic (not really, though I occaisionally see one or two Iraqis and get to say "hello" as I pass by).
3: Free beer! (non-alcoholic only)
2: Care packages from family and friends (oh yes, very nice!)
and the number 1 best thing about being in Iraq...
1: The day I go home to see my wonderful wife and daughter gets closer every day!